


In My Head

by charmed4fiction



Series: Shape of My Heart [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 11:50:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9606446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmed4fiction/pseuds/charmed4fiction
Summary: In which Sarah falls in love for the first time and the love is not returned.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an actual letter written to Sarah's friend, whom she secretly loved for a long time and finally told him how she felt.

_Feb 02_

 

 _The Sound of My Heart_  
_(In My Head)_  
_“but maybe it’s in my mind”_

Dearest **_You_** ,

This letter is an apology, not that I’m sorry for the last couple of weeks. I will never apologize for the time I spent with you. It’s an apology to you for how long it will take for me to let things go.

Thank you for reminding me what butterflies feel like, I didn't know I was capable of having fluttering wings move inside. I'm completely addicted to the way I feel when I think about you and I'm admitting that you're on my mind more than just sometimes. It's only been a short time, but you were my happy and I hope that you will remain my happy. To say the least, I'm immensely jealous of everyone that sees you more than I do; of everyone who talks to you more than I'll ever get to and I'm jealous of anyone who is around you every day. I'm irrevocably enamored with you. You don't realize this, but I think you are amazing. I've always had this inclination towards you and when I acted on it— it blossomed. If I could choose and you were a choice, I'd choose you.

I'm going to have this story that I cannot share with anyone. A story of how I fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.

I think in a parallel universe our counterparts are watching and saying to each other, "If in another time or space they could have what we have because obviously, they are together."

Every girl has this guy that they have a crush on forever— and I think you're going to be my forever crush. I'm trying to think back when I first started crushing on you. It was probably when you resided in Jacksonville before I moved to Orlando and I started to be aware of you and what if— I have these photographic memories of instances where I was completely aware that I liked you far more than that of our conventional relationship.

I wish you could accept my feelings. I wish you could look at me and say, 'Thank you for loving me'. Just once I wish you could 'thank me'. I'm really a fool to have fallen for you. I know the feelings thing ruined everything. I've read that you should "always tell someone how you feel because opportunities are lost in the blink of an eye, but regrets can last a lifetime."

I want you to know I have no regrets that I told you how I feel about you. I will never apologize or feel despair for telling you how much I care and how much you mean to me. If I had to take away one regret it would be that the sentiment would never be returned or it had never been felt by you.

I sometimes think that if you could read my mind you'd be in tears. Ha! I'm sure what I feel for you could start fires, a fire that I'll be eternally cast into forever for developing these thoughts and feelings towards you.

I wish you could say to me, "I know you love me, but I cannot return the love you sought. I think you are incredible or not, but I cannot love you." And then you'd give me this philosophical reasoning and then I can move on from this— this exasperating feeling of wanting you to be mine.

I don't know what I thought about before I was thinking of you. You're my favorite hello and you are going to be my hardest goodbye.

I wish I can undo the way I feel about. I really want that— If only— I could delete the way I feel for you, like how you delete messages— that would without a doubt solve my problem of the pain of knowing that you cannot or would never be mine. I'm in a state of despondency and I've been doing unconventional things that are not becoming of me— I've been cast into a spell of stupidity over love and it's tethering and tiresome.

I don't ever want you to repel me because I think you are like my best friend, even though I'm not that to you. I don't ever want to lose our friendship. A friendship that is dear to my heart and I cherish a great deal.

I want to look at you and think I love him and you will see me staring at you and you will smile crookedly or nod your head like you often do because you know that someone loved you; me.

I know I should have never cared, but I did. I care a lot and I still do. I know you don't feel the same way, but I really can't get past you. I've never had this feeling before and I tried to remember if I did in the past, but no— nothing. This is all new for me, having someone consume my every thought. Missing something that I never had, missing you.

Do you want to know how I know I love you or care deeply for you? It was a moment when I felt actual pain in my chest from reading your words, "I'm not into this anymore." It completely broke me. It felt like someone crushed my heart, ripped it out of my body or peel back the layers of paint that was coated over my skin protecting my most inner self. 

I don't know what it is about you that makes me smile (I'm smiling) or make my heart do back flips. Maybe it is your comforting voice. Maybe it's those quirks you do with your face. Maybe it's your crooked smile, your eyes. I know your eyes. Maybe it's your hands. (I love your hands) It could be your height. (I'm really fond of your height). Maybe it is your personality. The way you talk to me as if I'm important. Maybe it is as plain as simple as we have a lot in common and you make me feel special; beautiful. Whatever it is— was. It made me fall pretty fucking hard.

I wanted you, that's all.

Your smiles; your callous sarcasm; your candor; your awkwardness; your secrets; your undefined future and your everything. I just wanted you.

Another thing I read, "Be careful who you make memories with. Those things last a lifetime." I couldn't agree more. I would not in this lifetime or another trade those few memories I've made with you.

You changed my world—basically, I think you shook it up when you accepted that I was curious and in doing so you have taken something from me.

It is kinda messed up, isn't it? Or at least for me, it is. Here I am writing out a letter to you, fighting back a few straggler tears. I don't think you think of me as much as I do of you. It's easy for you because you went into this "whatever" without any thoughts that you'd feel something for me. I did too, so maybe I'm the one at fault. I'm the one who was broken and you sort fixed me, in way—showed me I can actually fall in love with an actual breathing corporeal human form. You came along, letting me live vicariously through fantasies and the possibilities of "what ifs" and I fell, body first followed by the mind, soul, and heart. You took all the things that compose me and you did this unknowingly. I'd like to say I want them back, but that's the whole culmination of the predicament I find myself in daily. You took my everything and the most vital part of me— my heart. Demands would indisputably be in order, "Hand back my heart." Ha! Ha! But, alas I don't want it back. I want you to have it. I'm giving you my heart, please take care of it. Just don't take it for granted, it always beating erratically for you and it's here for you: always.

It is the worst feeling you know— knowing you are nothing to someone— and the worst part? Knowing that you can't do a fucking thing about it. You cannot make someone yours because your heart decided: "Hey this is the one! This is the one that makes it smile!" It turned out you're my one. I like you more than I ever planned or thought about— ever. Seriously this is happening like I fell in love at this time in my life with you— you?! Maybe this was how it supposed to be, this thing occurring for reasons unknown, this "whatever" it happened because it was waiting on the threshold, waiting for you to ignite the embers of a fire that had never been lit before.

I think for the most part I'm going to be okay with letting you go. It will be a tremendous effort on my part to give up— give in and let you go but I've committed myself to giving you my heart and I'm going to move on without it. Honestly, I can't do this anymore, I want more from you than what you can give and I don't want my emotions to control me any longer. It is really tiresome. I want back some commonality, even if it is without my heart.

I Love you, **_You,_** so much!


End file.
